Somebody That I Used to Know
by Dlbn
Summary: Ritsuka tells the tale of what happened to him after Soubi left. His journey from Ritsuka Aoyagi to Loveless.


Dlbn: Hey there everyone. I was just thinking about Ritsuka's reaction to Soubi being gone. And I realize I wrote a fic about this before, but that was different. This is a different timeline then that one.

Nbld: And having been recently abandoned by someone who didn't even say a word to me about leaving, I'm in a pretty depressed mood. Tell me what you think, alright?

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Ritsuka Aoyagi, Soubi Agatsuma, or any other character, place, group, or theme belonging to the Loveless universe. That all belongs to Yun Kouga. I make NO money off of writing in his fandom.

000

It didn't make any sense. The last time I saw Soubi still lingered in my mind; like a bad nightmare that just wouldn't go away. He begged me to not leave him. He told me he loved me, he kissed me, and told me about his parents. He promised to forever be by my side. That he would do whatever I asked, any questions I needed help with; that he would fight for me and die for me. I didn't want him to do any of that. Just having him in my life, in my world, was everything to me. After Seimei passed away, allegedly, I had nothing. Father was always absent, and mother was a psychotic mess. I wasn't her Ritsuka, and for that, I had to pay. Not a day went by that I didn't have a new bruise or other injury to cover with a bandage and a stupid story. But every day, Soubi would be there to dress my wounds and clean me up; to hold me tight, and kiss me, and tell me things were going to be okay.

But now, he wasn't here…did that mean nothing was going to be okay, again…?

Needless to say, I was deeply upset by Soubi leaving me. I cried for hours, for days…I just couldn't stop. Then I became numb. Like I didn't want to admit that I'd just lost the closest thing I'd ever had to true love. That numbness turned quickly to anger and resentment. If he didn't want to be with me, why should I want to be with him? I could do better, couldn't I? I could find someone, anyone, who was willing to be with me and not let someone else get in the way. But…I didn't want someone else…I wanted Soubi.

I wanted the person that made my life complete; the one who loved and protected me like no one else had since my brother. I wanted the man who made my life worth living and made me want to wake up every single day, if just to see him after school and in the nights.

But what could I do? Seimei's word was law. Soubi had to obey it. But he also said he'd always follow my orders…? So why didn't he even take it into consideration when I begged him not to go? I had asked him not to, cried and pleaded to his back as it went away from me. What was Seimei doing that so important that he needed my Soubi? Didn't he have Nisei?

Not a day went by where I didn't wonder what it was that I had done wrong to push him away from me. I thought, I was so sure, that it was my fault. That I wasn't as good as Seimei; that Soubi knew he could do with a better master and therefore wanted to leave the second he got the chance.

But when I let myself think that way, it just got harder. I was still angry, and I don't think I'll ever get over that anger. He hurt me in the worst way. He lied to me. He hurt me. Nothing my mother could throw at me or scream at me could hurt me the way Soubi hurt me. The physical scars from my mother were nothing compared to the psychological, emotional damage Soubi had done with that one simple act.

The day my name appeared on my side, in all its proud 'glory', was the worst of the days. It had been painful to endure; each letter practically bubbling to the surface each and every minute. It had taken half a day to be complete; not stopping between the aching letters. But I had had to go to school like that. I hid the unbearable pain in my side with a smile and an attitude like I normally did. I thought I'd snap at Yuiko when she asked me where Soubi was that day, but I kept it inside. No one would believe that my fighter, my lover, had left me for my brother, who was supposed to be dead but really wasn't. And it wasn't like I could tell them about word spell, and fighters and sacrifices. They'd think I was crazier then my mother. So I held my tongue and kept my mouth shut about both the name and Soubi's true whereabouts.

I kept the existence of my name hidden even from Yoji and Natsuo Sagan; the twins known as Zero in the world of spells. They were my friends, who lived with Soubi and claimed to owe us a favor. They hadn't seen Soubi since he left. Wherever he was with Seimei, it was somewhere he couldn't leave. Or maybe he didn't _want_ to leave? With the way my brother supposedly treated his friends, let alone his fighters, I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to leave. So I let myself think that he _couldn't_, not that he _wouldn't_.

My acceptance quickly turned back to bitter anger, lapping at my mind and heart and soul. I decided that I was delusional by thinking that it was okay and that he would return; and I hated him for it. I hated him for leaving so abruptly. I hated him for playing with my emotions and tugging on my heartstrings before leaving. I hated him for abandoning me. For hurting me, betraying me…for choosing Seimei over me…I hated him. I don't want to see him again. I can't stand the sight of him. I don't want to hear his name or see his picture.

I took all the photographs of us off of the wall and hid them in an album I kept under my bed for safekeeping. I turned off the phone he gave me and put it under my bed as well. I got rid of anything and everything that reminded me of him; a cigarette bud he'd dropped on my balcony, a bloody shirt he'd left behind when I kicked him out of my room, a painting he'd made me for my birthday. All of it went under my bed with the pictures and the phone. I stopped thinking about him and convinced myself that I didn't _need_ him. I convinced myself that I didn't need a fighter, or a lover. I convinced myself that I could just be me for the rest of my life; be on my own and be perfectly alright with that little fact.

For the first time, I felt like my true name. I felt Loveless. I felt like I didn't care whether I was loved or not, as long as I continued to exist in general. If I didn't matter to Soubi, why should he matter to me? I felt any ounce of care I had about anyone and everyone slipping away quietly. But I would still put on the façade of a happy kid. I'd still laugh and joke and smile with my friends, only to come home to survive another beating and put a stoic smile on my face. I'd do my homework and stare at one of my blank walls until mother called me for dinner. I began to lock myself in my room; skipping classes and not talking to anyone or anything.

When I returned to school, my plum eyes were cold and devoid of emotion and I could no longer fake a smile or a laugh. People definitely noticed. The girls that picked on Yuiko pretty much stopped doing so when I didn't get pissed off about it. I'd calmly talked sense into them and they lost interest. Gradually, but they did.

I was so used to being alone that the idea of going over to Yayoi's after school with him and Yuiko to play games made my skin crawl. I wanted to just go home to my virtually empty room; with the walls lacking photos and memorial items, with my mother screaming up the stairs at me and trying to break down the door when I didn't reply. I thought briefly of running off. Of packing my stuff and leaving. But the only place I could think of was Soubi's; and that wasn't an option. Just the thought of being there made me sick to my stomach. Not to mention that Soubi's best friend, Kio, and his boyfriend Akira stayed there to keep an eye on Yoji and Natsuo; who were quite a disaster waiting to happen if left home alone for too long. I didn't want to hear Kio's tirade about Soubi being gone and wondering if I knew anything that I wasn't telling them. So I stayed in my empty room with the empty walls and empty threats from my mother.

Soubi leaving had definitely left a void in my life. I feared that that void would never be filled again; not that I wanted anyone else. Other people were annoying; users and those who were used. That's all they were anymore. Sure, Yuiko and Yayoi and the others were splashes of color in my otherwise black and white and shades of grey world. But nothing was like Soubi. Where my friends were pale pink and yellow, he was a vibrant and bright teal. Now he was a shadow eating away at the corners of my mind; slowly making his way to the center.

I received a letter from Ritsu Minami, the head of Seven Voices Academy, in school the next day. Someone had dropped it off at the office, and they had called me down to pick it up. In the empty halls, I let my emotion-filled mask vanish and hide away. There was no need for it when no one could see. The note had detailed that he had been trying to contact me through texts and calls for the past couple months. Nagisa-sensei had written it, considering that he was still blind form the incident with Seimei. It had detailed how the option of taking my brother's seat in Septimal Moon was still open to me. There was no one else they wanted for the position. They wanted me, and must have known I was vulnerable enough to agree to it.

It was that letter that tried to explain so much to me that made my decision to join Septimal moon that much easier. I enrolled at the Seven Voices Academy the next day, albeit with a signature from my for once in attendance father. I said my goodbyes to my friends and classmates; complete with tears from Yuiko. I let my mask down and didn't care whether or not they knew how fragile and wounded I was.

Joining Septimal Moon was not an easy choice, not at all. I didn't want to become like them, like my brother. But I realized that I was already like my brother; hateful, spiteful, and putting on a mask to cleverly fool anyone and everyone around me. At the school, I had my fair share of bullying and arguing and fighting. But by being a member of Septimal Moon, I was untouchable.

It wasn't until six months after I joined Septimal Moon, nine months since Soubi left, that I finally got over him. I still didn't want to hear his name or see anything having to do with him. The photo album with the hidden photos was in a box with his shirt, painting, and the cell phone in the closet of my office in the Old Schoolhouse. I put all thought of him from my mind. I didn't even recognize the name when it was whispered in my presence or said when others didn't know I was there. I used a cell given to me by Ritsu instead. Soubi's name wasn't in the contacts, and I didn't want the number; no matter how many times Ritsu had offered to give it to me. I called my friends to check in and let them know I was alright and that I had a new number. The two had finally gone out on a date and where together at last. It was about time, if you asked me. I was glad that they'd managed to find love; something that I'd never know.

My world crashed down upon me when I saw him; walking through the halls of Seven Voices Academy, stopping various students to ask something but getting negative replies. I froze in place for a few moments as I watched him get rejected and turned down time after time. There was no mistaking him for anyone else. Standing in the middle of the hall, looking lost, was the tall blonde, blue eyed male I'd come to despise. I don't know what made me do it, but something in me made me walk up to him. It made me tap him on the shoulder and slap him across the face when he saw that it was me. People froze in the middle of the hall to see what would happen, until I dismissed them with gritted teeth. It was just him and me, me and him. He had a scar on his cheek; hidden by the redness caused by my palm. His hair was long and slightly messy, and his eyes looked as defeated as mine did.

Part of me wanted to bury my face in his chest and bawl like a kid, but part of me wanted to kick the shit out of him for how he hurt me. Standing before me was a man I once loved; a man I'd once thought of as my future lover, my soul mate, my life…I didn't recognize him as that anymore. I didn't recognize him as anything anymore. He wasn't the man I used to know. He was someone-something-different. I didn't know what to say to him, so I just glared up at him; filling my eyes with all the anger, pain, hatred, humiliation, despair…all the emotions he had let me feel by leaving me the way he did, for who he left me for. I let my emotionless mask self away for a moment to unleash the true pain that I kept hidden within. He had taken a step back after noting the harshness in my twin plum orbs.

His first words were an apology; one that came too late. I told him I hated him. His only response was that he deserved that for what he did. Yeah, really, Soubi, you couldn't figure _that_ out on your own? I showed him my name and told him that he was out of place at the school. I asked him what the hell he wanted. He told me that he'd heard that I'd joined Septimal Moon and wanted to get me out before it was too late. I laughed in his face I told him he was wasting his time. Because it was already too late for me. It had been too late for me the day he left me alone to weep in the cemetery.


End file.
